I have been debating about posting this topic because every time I cry and cry when I think about losing 2 babies of mine, it’s tough to even think about but even harder to go through it. It is the experience of having a miscarriage. People do not really hear a lot of women talking about it or see tons about it in the media. Last year was one of the hardest and most painful to go through in my life, I just didn’t experience it once but twice!! Seriously one of the most heartbreaking experiences I have ever had. You hear your friends and other people go through it also it’s so sad and feel for them. But to actually experience it, it’s truly and utterly devastating and heartbreaking. I have a hard time getting pregnant because I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) getting pregnant with my boy Lincoln I had to take 2 rounds of Clomid, eat better and exercise then I got pregnant with him. Then when my husband and I wanted to try for another child I took one round of Clomid then got pregnant. We’re so excited and things was going well, I was so sick for weeks and weeks. But when we went to our 12 weeks appointment I knew something was wrong when my doctor was so quiet not saying anything like he usually does. I couldn’t hear the heartbeat when he put the ultrasound on my stomach. I was so heartbroken to hear that word that I was having a miscarriage and my baby was gone I just started crying so hard. Thinking why was this happening to us I wanted that baby with all of my heart. When we had to tell Lincoln that I was not pregnant again that the baby didn’t make it, he grabbed my face and said mommy it’s ok I’m here for you I will take care of you. And he hopes he will be a big brother soon, that cute little face looking back at me just melting my heart.
We left the doctors office I needed to call my mom and tell her the heartbreaking news that I was having a miscarriage. I just went home and cried the night away, looking at my baby bump so sad that my baby was taken away from me. Praying to my Heavenly Father why did this have to happen to us, why was my baby gone?? My Birthday was 3 days after we found out, that was the worst birthday ever didn’t want to celebrate at all. I had to wait 5 days to get my D&C July 11th 2017 I will ever forgot that day. After that miscarriage I took another round of Clomid in September then I got pregnant again I was so happy that it worked but then I had another miscarriage at 6 weeks not far along but still so devastating. Seriously we had to go through it again losing another baby, In my prayers I asked why me again, why couldn’t I bring another baby into this world. What is wrong with me?? I was thinking that I wasn’t good enough, what is wrong with my body and that I was the problem because of me having PCOS. After the 2 miscarriages it has changed me, it kind of rips a part of your soul out. But after praying a lot and talking and crying to my husband I feel in my heart that we will get pregnant again and things will be ok. I guess the time wasn’t right for those 2 babies to join our family, Heavenly father has a plan for us and we’ll see and hope things work out. I know I will see my 2 babies again in heaven, some people say that the babies you lose are just to perfect and Heavenly Father doesn’t want to let them go or the timing wasn’t right for you or them. We got to put trust in the Lord that things happen for a reason and it will work out in the end. I just got to put faith in that and hope soon that I will be holding a sweet baby in my arms one day! But still have fear that when I do get pregnant that I will have another miscarriage again.
I just want women to know they’re not alone out in the world and that it does help talking about it, when your ready to talk about it. It sure took me along time to open up about and share what I went through. I hope this helps someone out there and know that your not alone.